What would you do if your child came home from school and told you that a teacher embarrassed him in front of the entire class by mocking a wrong test answer; a classmate made horrible, demeaning comments about her to other students while she was in earshot; or that a boy threatened to beat him up in the parking lot? Most likely, you’d be outraged. “How dare someone treat my wonderful child like that!”

The following day, you’d be worried about your child’s safety. You’d march into school and demand that his teacher be reprimanded for his inappropriate behavior, call the girl’s parents and ask them to control their little monster, or request that campus security keep a watchful eye on the parking lot when school let out. You would probably be concerned about the potential long term effects the incident might have on your child’s self esteem.

But the person bullying your child may not be in the schoolyard, classroom, or campus parking lot—they could be living right in your home. While it’s easy to spot a bully, it’s often more difficult to recognize and acknowledge when our own actions and words are damaging and downright mean.

Not sure if you are a bully? Here are some questions to ask yourself.

Do I compare my children to other kids or their siblings? Discuss my “true feelings” about my kids with my spouse or when I’m talking on the phone with friends in a voice loud enough for them to hear? Take out my anger or frustration on my children after a difficult day? Use curse words; reveal sensitive information that was told in confidence; make sarcastic or belittling comments; scream; or lecture endlessly to try to emphasize my point? Hit, push, or employ other forms of corporal punishment? Tell lies and misinformation to control behavior? Take away gifts and promised activities for special occasions such as birthdays?

If you never resort to these tactics, give yourself a gold star. For those who answered yes, and wonder why the above list is damaging to your children, read on.

Often, parents compare their children to other kids believing that this will be motivating. It’s not. What happens instead is your child will grow to believe that no matter what they do, it’s never good enough. Comparing siblings only creates animosity between them. They may conclude that you love their siblings more than them.

If you believe that a child will behave better because they hear how hurt or disgusted you truly are, there are better ways than talking behind their backs. Be direct and honest about your opinions and feelings. Just because you aren’t saying nasty things directly to the person doesn’t make the words hurt less. Plus, you’re setting a model for sneaky behavior.

Whatever problems and unsettling emotions you have belong to you, not your child. It isn’t their job to absorb or soothe your difficulties. Understandably, you’re not a robot and at times won’t be able to control your emotions. When this happens it’s important to let your child know you’re sorry for overreacting—that it has nothing to do with them. Just don’t make a habit of it.

Using intimidating words and tone will only make your child feel frightened, angry, and powerless. Adults can defend or remove themselves from verbally and emotionally abusive situations, children cannot. Remember you are setting the stage for their future relationships.

Research shows that using physical force doesn’t work, never has, never will. Would you spit on your child? Hopefully not, it’s too demeaning. Using the power of your size, authority, and strength is no different.

As a child, you may have been told; “The boogie man will get you,” or “Your face will freeze like that.” Now that you’re an adult, these comments are humorous. But children believe what their parents tell them. Distorted information or outright lies can be stored away as fact in a young person’s mind. For example, I once saw a child for grief counseling following his father’s death who seemed to be fighting back his tears. When I brought this to his attention, he said; “My aunt told me we only get a limited supply of tears. I’m afraid to use mine up.” Parents teach their children that lying is bad—sooner or later the truth gets revealed. Same goes for you. Being a hypocrite jeopardizes your credibility.