A priest was presenting a special children’s mass to the congregation. During the message, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s mass is important, but at the same time, asking the children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The priest called on him and the little boy said, “All I know is that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than 4 hours you are supposed to call the doctor.” It took over 10 minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for mass to be continued.
Retiree’s LAST Trip to Publix
Yesterday I was at my local Publix buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Publix won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.