Things That Make You Laugh
The Cowboy My Mommy the Marine Wrong Card
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked. “Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!’”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Couple of minutes ago …”
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Just then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. “Janie, do you have a story to share?”
‘’Yes ma’am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
A man who just opened a new store was pleased when he received a big bouquet of flowers. But he was puzzled when he read the card, which said, “Deepest Sympathy.” Just then, the phone rang. It was the florist apologizing for having sent the wrong card. “Oh, that’s all right,” said the storekeeper. “I’m a business man and I understand how these things can happen.”
“But I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.”
“What did it say?” he asked.
“Congratulations on your new location,” was the reply.
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