New Church
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband is obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon ... is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, hanging his head, "We’re not welcome at Home Depot either."

 

The Mindi Method to Maintaining a Healthy Level of Insanity:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars…see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice either!

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks . Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

5. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for marijuana".

6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify when you pull up to the drive-through that "please make my order to go."

9. Sing along at the opera or in the elevator.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you have a headache.

11. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives! They’re loose!"

13. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity:
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS OR TAMPONS, (your choice) AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.